Peter Shukat 1945 - 2014

My words have failed me over the last few days.  Peter's death came so quickly that I haven't quite registered everything yet.  My nights are often interupted by my own sobbing.  I'm hoping that by writing a few thoughts down I can get enough sleep to go back into the office.

For a few weeks, I had the great privilege of reclaiming my old desk, listening to him brilliantly negotiate another deal, praise his children and grandchildren, and let him know that we are good.  I love this man with all of my heart.   The day I walked into his office for the first time in 2007 changed my life forever.  He took me in all broken and weary and gave me hope and strength and the desire to live every day a little bit more like Peter.

He likes to tell the story about when I left him.  I hated that the feeling kept coming strongly that I wouldn't be with him for the long haul.  We had a disagreement in the Spring of 2010.  I know he thought that my leaving at the end of 2010 was a result of that discussion, but I had let that go.  I loved Peter as a boss, as a mentor, as a friend, and in many ways as a father.  It broke my heart to leave him.  The day he hired my replacement he came out of his office to tears streaming down my face.  And he said "No!  You are leaving me!  You don't get to cry!" but I sobbed and sobbed.

In hindsight, I had a myriad of health problems in the next few years that would have made the pace I sustained working for him impossible.  He didn't tell me though that the PSA numbers we used to high five every month were in decline.

Everytime I flew home to NJ, I came in through a NYC airport.  The car service knew the first top was 57th Street.  I had to see Peter.

We stayed in touch by phone, by email, and visits whenever possible.  I worked for 3 years at a bank and loved my managers there, but would unfailingly only use "my boss" in conversation to mean Peter.

I was fortunate enough to have one of the politically incorrect nicknames he would often dole out to the luckiest of us: "Maggie The Mormon".  And he would often sign his emails to me as "The Jew".

2013 was a tough year for my family.  Many funerals, even more surgeries that became scary.  In the wake of my own surgery, I received a FedEx box from the office packed full of every possible store bought chocolate chip cookie with the note "Get better so you can make your own."  I called him laughing and crying.  He asked if it made me smile.  He was that guy.  Always cheering up the suffering, never letting on about his own grave situation.

In February 2014 I was able to resume my visits, this time in a new office.  It was apparent that he hadn't been telling me that his health was in decline.  I wanted to spend every possible minute more with him.  He finally let me come back.  He looked and seemed to have regained much of his energy and enthusiasm on my return, so I was hopeful that I could reduce enough of his stress so that he could emerge victorious from his 10 year battle with prostate cancer.

He laughed a little at my attempts to coax away "bad foods" and keep him hydrated.  In hindsight, he knew his time was close at hand.  He called last Tuesday to have the last conversation  we would ever have, where he told me it was pneumonia, and to go through his emails and pull out the garbage so he could tackle the important stuff when he was back in the office.  Up until the day before he passed, he honestly believed he would be in on Monday handling business as usual.  And I willingly believed as well.

At end of business the day before he passed, there were 447 unread emails waiting for his return.

Yesterday we had a funeral for this event that still feels unreal.  500+ in attendance - a sold out show.  I think he enjoyed that.  The number of mourners around the world far exceeds that.  Whether known only briefly or for years, this is a dearly beloved man.  Everyone has extraodinary experiences and private moments where he changed the course of their lives forever.  I know that he has shaped mine and every decision will run by the age old test of "what would Peter say?".

Thank you, Peter for everything.  Most especially for knowing how deeply I needed to be here for the last 27 days of your life here on earth.  Thank you for your unselfish love and your example of loyalty, of family, and unwaivering passion for everything you did.  I love you forever. ~Maggie The Mormon

Movies of Influence

You know you have them, the movies that you could quote from start to finish without missing a line.  That was Annie for my sister Marilyn, and I.  Who needed a DVD player for the car?  Not us.  Our parents were  were entertained with a rendition of the entire movie from start to finish --- including very over sung musical numbers --- whenever we were on a long trip.  Maybe that's why we didn't travel as much as our older siblings?

To say that we aren't influenced by the movies we watch and enjoy, would be grossly inaccurate.  In fact there are several personal habits that I can attribute to specific actors/characters, if not scenes from films I saw growing up, and even watch today.  Not to mention the plethora of references that pepper our conversations daily.

My sister and I came at the end of our parent's breeding stage ... in fact so far at the end, that my oldest brother's son was born a mere 4 months ahead of me.  So where most of my friends were listening to the music and watching classics of the 60's and 70's courtesy of their parents, my sisters and I were brought up on the music and films of the 40's and 50's.  Of course, we grew up in the best era of all -- the 80's and to say the works of that decade didn't play a leading role would dash all my pretty in pink hopes and dreams.

A few weeks ago a reference made me think of the movie "Sing" - a 1989 musical that was a favorite of my older sister, and by extension the rest of us.  I decided to see if I could find a copy --- apparently it is out of print --- but thanks to eBay ... I found a video store cast-off VHS copy.  I was so excited.  Then I realized that I no longer own a VCR.

The experience made me wonder what other films I grew up on that are "out of print" or at risk of extinction?   I love the movies my mother shared with us, and the stories of how things were "back then" when she could buy a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, candy and a movie ticket --- that included a news reel, 2 cartoons and a feature --- all for a mere quarter.  I wondered if I would miss out on sharing those things with my own children if once copyrights fell into the public domain if without container charges to gain any sort of profit from, if they would even bother to convert them and upload them to our  iClouds.

So I began a list.  A list of the movies and shows that we loved.  And I've begun a quest to acquire physical copies while I still can - in hopes to find a way to digitize them for my kids --- or at least show them what a "video tape" or "DVD" looked like!

Here is what I have so far.  I'd love to hear your favorites below ... incase I forgot some!


Sing (1989)
Shag (1989)
The Goonies (1985)
Dirty Dancing (1987)
Can't Buy Me Love (1987)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Short Circuit (1986)
Short Circuit 2 (1988) --- "Hey Laser Lips!  Your momma was a snoooow blower!!!"
Inspector Gadget (1983)
Strawberry Shortcake (1983)
Silver Spoons (1982)
Diff'rent Strokes (1978-1986)
Knight Rider (1982)
Facts of Life (1979-1988)
Pollyanna (1960)
Family Ties (1982)
He-Man (1983)
She-Ra (1985)
The Secret Garden (1993)
Care Bears (1985)
Rainbow Brite (1985)
Punky Brewster (1984-1988)
Mr. Rogers (1968-2001)
I Love Lucy (1951)
Threes Company (1976)
Newsies (1992)
The Love Boat (1977)
Annie (1982)
The Sound of Music (1965)
The King and I  (1956)
Holiday Inn  (1942)
White Christmas  (1954)
Easter Parade  (1948)
Singing In The Rain (1952)
Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

The One and Only Genuine Original Family Band (1968)

Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

Gigi (1958)

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954)

An American In Paris (1951)

Good News  (1947)

On The Town (1949)
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)
How To Marry A Millionaire (1953)

Abandoned Dreams

In an attempt to clean out abandoned drafts of blog posts I came across this gem ... the beginning of a post drafted over 2 years ago in November 2009:

One night, at the office until about 11PM all alone, trying to get billing in before the next day deadline, I hit shuffle on my iPod and tried to make the most of the tedious hours.

I found myself singing along to Survivor's Eye of the Tiger at the top of my lungs and with furvor. The next song came on, but my mind kept tracing the lyrics:

So many times, it happens too fast

You change your passion for glory

Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive

In the midst of the dregs of the job, I started to wonder what passions I had traded for glory or what dreams I had let slip by.

Ironic that I'm sitting here wondering if I'm not still in the same situation, just a different location.  At the time I was working for a respected entertainment lawyer who I love and adore.  I left just over a year ago in pursuit of finishing an unfinished degree while working in a bank on the other side of the country - a step seemingly miles away from where I want to be.

Tonight I was pondering life's next steps.  What happens in a year once I've finished school?  What have I been doing with my time to be closer to where I want to be?

I have to say, I acknowledge that my life has never gone according to plan.  Not according to my plan anyway.  While going through some papers at my parents house I found a life cycle chart that I believe I made in 4th grade.  (Because in 4th grade we obviously knew what the course of the rest of our life would be.)  According to the wheel I was to have graduated from medical school at 26, after which I was to promptly be married, and then I believe the rest of my life had to do with grandchildren, etc, finally ending with a very dramatic depiction of my death.

From time to time I do an internet search for this one boy I had a crush on in 6th grade.  He has been off the radar for quite some time now.  He moved to Florida after elementary school and we lost touch.  I'd often wondered if he would be what he had planned on being back then; a doctor.  Most of my friends have adapted their career paths to the ever changing industries and are nowhere near where they anticipated being --- in a good way.  Somehow though, I suspected that he would accomplish exactly what he had planned to do.

Turns out I was right.

Having completed his residency, he is now a practicing orthopedic surgeon in Florida.  I admire that.  I admire those who knew so young what they were going to do.  I think in many ways I know what I do want to be in the end.  The timing just hasn't been right.  I spend my time maintaining talents that have yet to find their ultimate purpose.  I often view my career choices as placeholders for that ultimate goal, and think that is likely the reason for my unrest.

Do I wish that I had stuck with it and gone to medical school.  Sure.  However, I can't imagine giving up the life that I have had.  I've met incredible people, I've made amazing friends, I've seen brilliant parts of this world.  And none of it would have happened had I stuck to that life cycle chart.

Maybe I'm not the type to have fixed dreams.  Maybe the beauty of my life is to live the unexpected; to experience more than I had imagined for myself, even if that means wandering in unforeseen territory at times.

I haven't a clue what is around the next corner.  I know that I would like to be on a coast, that I would like to not be tied to a desk, and that I want what I do to have far reaching ripple effects.  I know that where I stand, I could do any number of things. There is no set path.  My possibilities are endless.

I could cook
I could have my own tv show
I could write
I could be a photographer
I could travel and write travel guides
I could go to medical school
I could go to law school
I could plan parties
I could become an archivist
I could be a film editor
I could teach dance

But choosing any one would all result in abandoned dreams.  They would all be placeholders for the one job that matters most; the one job that would combine everything and leave no dream abandoned.  All I've ever truly wanted to be is an incredible wife and mother.   It's funny, there has never been a job that I have interviewed for that I haven't gotten, except for the one that I want most of all.

Have I abandoned that dream?  Absolutely not.

I often think if we abandon dreams that we lacked the conviction for them in the first place.  That they belonged to someone else.  But this one, I know belongs to me.

Far From Home

I often speak of wanting to live in a foreign country, a view I did not share until I had actually left the country for the first time in 2010.  Whether it was simply falling in love with Japan or the idea that so many different places could offer me experiences that would no doubt stretch me and help me to become more than what I had planned for myself, I haven't been able to stop envisioning my life overseas.

Since then I've traveled quite a bit, and am convinced more and more that I would grow a lot by living in a foreign country.  I can't wait to finish this pesky degree so that I can get over there.  Regular visits back for much needed haircuts (a girl can't give up her hairstylist) and family visits have been factored in.  Living in the West when most of my family is in the East, sometimes feels like a foreign country. Particularly when tragedy strikes.  

Early in December my sister in law was in a horrible accident after hitting black ice on her way to work, which has left her paralyzed from the chest down.  It was hard to hear that.  She's a good person.  Fortunately she is in good hands and is being cared for by the same neurology team who took care of Christopher Reeves.

A week after her accident, the family received some good news.  The appeal on the case against the attackers who macheted their way into the home of her sister and brother in law,  my brother's mission companion, was denied.  http://www.kjonline.com/news/supreme-court-upholds-life-sentences-for-fortune_2011-12-13.html

Last night, however, her father, who in the face of her accident was keeping a stiff upper lip and pushing through, suffered a sever accident of his own.  He has lost a hand, punctured his spleen, and cracked a few ribs.  He's been revived several times and we're hoping the news of his accident does not derail MonaRae's recovery.

My heart goes out to my nephew, David.  Who, being a dutiful son and grandson is splitting his time between bedsides.  He's exhausted, but he's pushing along.  

It is hard to not have the ability to be home to step in, to sit and wait and watch with the rest of them.  I used to think about the value of those who were always in the same place, who could be relied on all the time to be there.  The rocks of a community; and how it would be nice to someday be that person for someone else.  That sometimes those growing experiences are right in our own circles.

I suppose there are always going to be drawbacks, and given our family is spread out, it is not likely I'd be able to be there for everyone all the time.  I guess that's why we have airplanes, phones, emails, and all those other millions of ways we can say "I love you".  I do wish however, I was there.  

Here's hoping a miraculous recovery for all.  

~M

 

2011 - Friends, Family & Gold Medallion

At the end of this year, I am grateful for a loving family, a warm home , good friends, and my knowledge of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has helped me through some of the ups and downs of this year. The end of last year involved a move from New York City to Salt Lake City. A complete change. In many ways I’m still adjusting to that. Fortunately, I have had experiences that have kept me going.

I learned how to snowboard for the first time in my life! The first day was rough – especially for my friends! I think it took several hours for me to get halfway down the first run. Then suddenly, on the second half, I just stood up and voila, I was snowboarding!

The second day was a million times better and very optimistic friends convinced me to try a blue run … I was so exhausted by the end, but what a great experience! I haven’t had that much fun since I was last competing in ballroom.

In February, I fell in love with Edward … my silver 2008 Volvo S40. I’d been attempting to get around town on public transportation … it really isn’t feasible out here. To think that I was able to get around for 4 years in NYC without a car is pretty impressive. You may laugh, but it has been rough remembering to watch my gas gage and remembering regular maintenance after so many years of not having to think of that. Edward and I are still on good terms and I can’t wait for our first anniversary.

In March I had the privilege of getting together with family to witness and celebrate the wedding of my cousin. It had been a long time since I’d seen most of my cousins on that side, and I loved being able to be in Vegas for that occasion. It has been wonderful feeling closer to them as we’ve made an effort to see each other through the year.

In late June, after a brief visit to Amsterdam, I was fortunate enough to be able to visit the Tanners in London. They are always so welcoming and I do truly feel like I have a second family in them. We took in as much as our feet would allow. We attended Wimbeldon, the Royal Regatta at Henley on Thames, had a private tour of Parliament, sat in the House of Commons, and ate the most amazing gelato at Harrods.

It was so much fun to stop by the Apple Corps office and finally meet everyone on the Beatles team that I’d worked with for so long in name only. We truly had a wonderful time.

After about a week in London, I took a plane over to Germany to visit Alan, who had recently moved over there with his job. What a beautiful place. I had so much fun photographing the town, the pedestrian areas, and the amazing cathedrals. More amazing gelato, but nothing quite like the Harrod’s £5/scoop experience.

The Italian influence in so much of that area has placed Italy higher on my list of places to visit. I left Germany on July 4^th, ceremoniously declared my independence in London, and landed in NYC just in time to see the Macy’s firework display welcoming me back home. It was an incredible experience that made me remember just how much I love the US.

In August I made it back east for my aunt's 90^th birthday party, a haircut, and oral surgery.

My trips home to get my haircut have been my favorite indulgence. Joey is the best. Hands down; The Best. I love that I can just sit and let him work his magic and never once do I think … oooh I wish he hadn’t done this or that. But more than that, I know that when I show up, I’m coming home to a friend as well.

Oral surgery. I went to see the dentist who has been taking care of my mouth since I was 3 years old. He and his wife haven’t changed at all over the years. They are just as kind and wonderful and always bring with them the shared memories of our families. The prognosis … a molar that was too cracked to sustain repair. Within 2 hours of leaving his office I was driving to the oral surgeon.

In late August, I made a concerted effort to try to have more UT centered experiences. I decided to see what all the fuss about the mountains was and began going on hikes every nice day to a new trail. I now understand when people say they miss the mountains. You can read about some of my adventures at www.hikingitinheels.blogspot.com.

In September I entered some photographs into the State Fair, and was pleasantly surprised with some of the comments and the ratings. I made it a goal to finally make the leap and buy my camera.

At the end of September, one of the friends who taught me to snowboard earlier in the year, called and said he had planned a trip to Australia and New Zealand and had found himself without anyone to travel with. I had been planning a trip to New Mexico to visit the cliff dwellings and witness the balloon festival there, when suddenly those plans fell apart. I had never considered going to Australia.

I envisioned open, dry land with people in funny hats riding around in utility vehicles, saying g’day a lot. Whether it was the disappointment of my own trip falling apart or the great job he does at convincing someone to go, I said yes. Within 12 days I was on a plane.

It was the most amazing 2.5 weeks I’ve ever spent. I can’t believe my first scuba diving and snorkeling experience was along the Great Barrier Reef! We pet kangaroos and watched whales. The testimonies of his friends/second family/investigators/converts were inspiring and I hope to return or at least have them visit with me here in the States.

I’ve been studying, trying to push through my classes. I thought it would be easier than it is. I find working, trying to rebuild a social life, getting settled, and studying on top of it all, a lot to handle. I have no idea how I ever did it the first time around!

Loved my trip to Chicago for Mom’s birthday and the time spend time with her and my sisters … it was hard to leave, but leaving was the only way to fly my 50,000^th mile of 2011!!! Hello, Gold Medallion status :)

I’ve been blessed through the entire year to have such great support by my family and my NYC friends as well as those new friends I’ve made here. At the mercy of my Heavenly Father, it has been a good year with many amazing, never to have again, experiences with dear family and friends.

2009 - A Wonderful Year

December 2009


I’ve been so teary this holiday season. A beautiful package, a nice note, people helping someone’s grandmother across the street. Maybe it’s the hours I’ve spent driving around looking for a parking space in New York City listening to Delilah – for the Christmas music of course – and balling every time they play Christmas Shoes. Elf even brings the tears, especially when Buddy the Elf finally inspires everyone to spread Christmas cheer by singing loud for all to hear.

Some may attribute it to holiday stress, but in the few moments I’ve had to sit and think today, I realized, I’m just overcome with gratitude, at every turn.

Remembering where I was last year, nervous about moving, but praying that I would move out and be independent by my upcoming birthday, not sure if I would make it in New York City on my own, I see how much this year has brought me.

After worries about signing the lease on my own, it was finally accomplished and I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful women as they have come and gone with their internships and studies.

Worried about fitting into a singles ward and making contacts in a Stake I knew little of, I was asked to be the Compassionate Service Leader in our ward and later also the Primary Activity Days Specialist for the Stake. Both callings which have helped me make friends and which I have reaped more than I have sown. One of the greatest blessings is to finally have my NYC person, a friend to call on, Amanda Haslam … we were afraid at first that we really did have the same brain, but after realizing we were still our own persons (she loves the hymn If You Could Hie To Kolob and I am not a fan) we find our differences compliment each other at every turn.

While most of my family lost their jobs this year and budgets have been tight, I’ve been blessed with a job I enjoy and a boss who I adore. We laugh, we cry, and for all the hard work, he makes sure that I have fun from time to time. I’ve attended the Van Morrison Concert, KISS Concert, The Monty Python Documentary Premiere, and the Gala for the National Foundation for Ectodermal Dysplasias – which I love attending every year.

One of my favorite events of the year though, was watching Tara create the most amazing dinner for over 800 people in June recognizing the damaging effects of Diabetes in particular, in the death of Larry Miller. She says I helped out with the dinner … but I hardly call putting programs on the table helping out. She did an absolutely beautiful and perfectly executed job.

My absolute favorite event was this last weekend, watching my baby sister graduate from UWM with a bachelors degree in Nursing. My grandmother had hopes that all of her daughters would one day graduate from High School – a dream that seemed near impossible given their circumstances, but which they accomplished. My mother’s dream was to have us
all go to college. We’ve all gone … but only 2 have graduated. The oldest and the youngest. I’m so proud of Marilyn for helping keep Mom’s dreams alive and for setting an example that I hope to follow in the upcoming year.

I had no intentions of traveling this year with the cost of living, especially for the first time in New York City, being so high. But I squeezed in a few trips. This year I’ve been to DC – for the most amazing birthday celebration as well as attending the Inaugural Concert, Pennsylvania to see family and celebrate birthdays, New Jersey (countless times) but always to visit with family and have some great times with everyone down at Aunt Dot’s, New Hampshire, Maine (ate the most amazing lobsters in Maine! And made friendships that will last a lifetime), Utah (twice), Wisconsin (twice), California – to visit Kendra’s darling family and celebrate Tara’s Diabetes Walk accomplishments, Massachusetts to attend a fantastic conference wherein we worked on brainstorming ideas on how to best share the gospel.

And it is for that that I am most grateful this year. I realized this year more than ever that the Savior is the only concrete thing I have to hold onto here in a bustling world. He’s there for me when I’m on a shady street late at night, He’s there for me when I have to make decisions that seem beyond my wisdom, He’s there to help me serve others, He’s there to grant me peace when emotions are stirred high. My goal this coming year is to show Him just how grateful I am for all that He is for me.

One of the scariest things I’ve done this year is to actually start my own business. People have urged me for ages, but I never felt the timing was right, and now in the midst of all this holiday cheer (and tear), everything is falling into place. By the end of the year, CAKE by Maggie will be up and running. I’m finally taking all those talents and putting them to use, hoping to increase smiles in these times as people share moments with the perfect chocolate chip cookie, or melt into the most amazing cupcake with even more dazzling frosting. It’s a project that has been 7 years in the making, but this year, because of the encouragement and support, and helpful hands of close friends and family, it is coming to light. I just want to make a special shout out to Tara Demke, who helped me with the name, and to Brad Muramoto, who helped me come up with the most perfect logo, as well as all of their support and encouragement. What was once a venture full of fear, is now an adventure filled with enthusiasm. So visit! Buy! And donate to the American Diabetes Association while you’re at it. www.cakebymaggie.com

Thank you for all of your love and encouragement. I couldn’t do any of this without you.

For all the stresses and tears and disappointments that come with being single in New York City, I’ve had so much to be grateful for, more than I could ever list. But most of all, I’m grateful for the news that the angel brought as he announced, Unto us is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:11.

May you have a happy, healthy and prosperous new year.

All My Love,

~M

Yes, I Believe.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. When I was younger, much much younger, I would get all dressed up in a pilgrim outfit that was probably a sibling's school play costume that I found in the attic. I marveled in what those first settlers went through. All in their quest to secure a better life, and worship God, someone our society today seems to try to forget. I imagined the joy they felt to find help before a long winter after so many hardships, and wondered what simple things in my life brought me such joy.

One of my very favorite things to do was to sit and watch the Macy's Parade as it was broadcast in the morning each year. I would marvel at the dancers, the Rockettes, the high school bands, the drill teams and hope that someday I would get to go. Given that I lived across the river most of my life, its surprising that this year was the very first time I ventured out.

I couldn't have picked a better year. The new parade route put the start line at the end of my street, so the 5:00am walk to the fence line couldn't have been easier --- okay, so it could have, I am now ever so covetous of those along Central Park West, with their comfy window views! Nevertheless, meeting with friends early in the morning was fun. And this year, the weather was absolutely fantastic.

In going, I worried that the magic and sparkle that came across on television wouldn't be there ... but it was. Maybe it was the tons of confetti that the clowns threw at us every 10 minutes, but even though we weren't by Harold Square, the dazzle was there. Jimmy Fallon was the most enthusiastic celebrity. It seemed as though his thoughts were "I can't believe I'm on a float in the Macy's parade. This is soooo cool." I love seeing Kermit, Snoopy, and the Smurfs. I loved cheering on the high school drum lines, watching the faces of the children around us as the clowns tossed confetti in their hair, and overall, I loved the humanity of New York where family is concerned.

There was an added bonus of having friends in the parade (and even a client) which made it all that more personal.

I don't know why I waited so long to go. But I'm blessed that the opportunity this year was too easy to pass up. It was the perfect start to a great Thanksgiving Day with family and friends. It was the perfect launch into a bustling Christmas Season. I am so grateful for my supportive family, and for dear friends in the city who make the experience absolutely fantastic. I'm grateful for the seasons we enjoy and the feeling and wonderment that come with them - evidence to me that someone greater than us all created them. I'm grateful for Jesus Christ who made it possible for me to enjoy all of these things, and for me to enjoy my family forever.

Thank you Macy's, for all the hard work. The memories I have from years past and the new memories from this year are wonderful ones full of family and dear friends. As for my answer to the questions on the balloons at the end of the Parade --- Yes, I Believe.