Abandoned Dreams

In an attempt to clean out abandoned drafts of blog posts I came across this gem ... the beginning of a post drafted over 2 years ago in November 2009:

One night, at the office until about 11PM all alone, trying to get billing in before the next day deadline, I hit shuffle on my iPod and tried to make the most of the tedious hours.

I found myself singing along to Survivor's Eye of the Tiger at the top of my lungs and with furvor. The next song came on, but my mind kept tracing the lyrics:

So many times, it happens too fast

You change your passion for glory

Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive

In the midst of the dregs of the job, I started to wonder what passions I had traded for glory or what dreams I had let slip by.

Ironic that I'm sitting here wondering if I'm not still in the same situation, just a different location.  At the time I was working for a respected entertainment lawyer who I love and adore.  I left just over a year ago in pursuit of finishing an unfinished degree while working in a bank on the other side of the country - a step seemingly miles away from where I want to be.

Tonight I was pondering life's next steps.  What happens in a year once I've finished school?  What have I been doing with my time to be closer to where I want to be?

I have to say, I acknowledge that my life has never gone according to plan.  Not according to my plan anyway.  While going through some papers at my parents house I found a life cycle chart that I believe I made in 4th grade.  (Because in 4th grade we obviously knew what the course of the rest of our life would be.)  According to the wheel I was to have graduated from medical school at 26, after which I was to promptly be married, and then I believe the rest of my life had to do with grandchildren, etc, finally ending with a very dramatic depiction of my death.

From time to time I do an internet search for this one boy I had a crush on in 6th grade.  He has been off the radar for quite some time now.  He moved to Florida after elementary school and we lost touch.  I'd often wondered if he would be what he had planned on being back then; a doctor.  Most of my friends have adapted their career paths to the ever changing industries and are nowhere near where they anticipated being --- in a good way.  Somehow though, I suspected that he would accomplish exactly what he had planned to do.

Turns out I was right.

Having completed his residency, he is now a practicing orthopedic surgeon in Florida.  I admire that.  I admire those who knew so young what they were going to do.  I think in many ways I know what I do want to be in the end.  The timing just hasn't been right.  I spend my time maintaining talents that have yet to find their ultimate purpose.  I often view my career choices as placeholders for that ultimate goal, and think that is likely the reason for my unrest.

Do I wish that I had stuck with it and gone to medical school.  Sure.  However, I can't imagine giving up the life that I have had.  I've met incredible people, I've made amazing friends, I've seen brilliant parts of this world.  And none of it would have happened had I stuck to that life cycle chart.

Maybe I'm not the type to have fixed dreams.  Maybe the beauty of my life is to live the unexpected; to experience more than I had imagined for myself, even if that means wandering in unforeseen territory at times.

I haven't a clue what is around the next corner.  I know that I would like to be on a coast, that I would like to not be tied to a desk, and that I want what I do to have far reaching ripple effects.  I know that where I stand, I could do any number of things. There is no set path.  My possibilities are endless.

I could cook
I could have my own tv show
I could write
I could be a photographer
I could travel and write travel guides
I could go to medical school
I could go to law school
I could plan parties
I could become an archivist
I could be a film editor
I could teach dance

But choosing any one would all result in abandoned dreams.  They would all be placeholders for the one job that matters most; the one job that would combine everything and leave no dream abandoned.  All I've ever truly wanted to be is an incredible wife and mother.   It's funny, there has never been a job that I have interviewed for that I haven't gotten, except for the one that I want most of all.

Have I abandoned that dream?  Absolutely not.

I often think if we abandon dreams that we lacked the conviction for them in the first place.  That they belonged to someone else.  But this one, I know belongs to me.